The Perfect Body?
I am currently in Ooty, situated pleasantly in the Nilgiris mountain. When I step out for walks I can’t help but notice a huge assortment of vegetation. Being a city dweller all my life, I have not had the fortune to witness this, you literally see four or five varieties of trees everywhere you go, you recognize their leaves, the color of their flowers as they dot the streets during autumn. Meanwhile, here I often notice a vine with audaciously big violet flowers draped sensually around metal barricade, overgrowing like she owns the place.
The pine trees as old as time reaching out towards the sky proudly, often in disdain discarding a cone. On the side of the pavement a tiny yellow flower sprouting out of nowhere, a colorful shrub that has found its way atop a sloping tiled roof, meanwhile the morning dew sits in the crevices of a potted succulent. At times when I look closely at the fuzz of green, I begin to notice the different strands of plants, co-existing maybe saying to one another ‘Swalpa adjust madi’ (please adjust a little, in colloquial Kannada), some leaves pointy, others flat, just taking over the earth unhindered, unmanicured yet so very beautiful. A friend came up with a term that I would like to borrow for this — unorganized beauty.
In nature, we never look at a plant and think that something is amiss, maybe its stem could have been thinner, less marred by lichens, the flowers a little bigger — it is beautiful and unique the way that it is. Yet when I look at my own body in the mirror, I wish I had a magic scissor to trim it all to shape — a little tuck here, a small trim there. I feel like my quest of getting a ‘perfect’ body began as a teenager. I was a skinny child all my life, always being asked if I was eating enough and suddenly as a teenager, there was roundness to me. The parts that looked toned on TV screens were reminiscent of the rise in a dough of bread on me.
I think most women from a young age start shying away from clothes that they deem to be unflattering. I had a friend in college and she was so conscious of her arms that you’d seldom find her without her trademark black sweater in public, irrespective of rain or shine. Yet to me her arms were nice human arms, nothing that needed hiding. Ironically, in the same breath I would choose clothing that drew attention away from my posterior — I have a big butt and I try to lie?! Unsuccessfully, be it. It took me years and I am still in progress in order to accept my body and understand that it is okay if it does’nt mimic the bodies I see on the internet. (Magazine covers are now a bit in passe’)
I used to freelance as a dancer and when I look back, it was at the second best version of my body, speaking fitness and confidence wise (first best was in 2017/2018 when I took up kickboxing). However, I underwent a fair bit of body-shaming for not being the lean enough, it was/is considered normal to speak about body fat, advise against wearing yoga pants, stick to clothes that intelligently modify your ‘flaws’ -make your waist look smaller, legs look longer, arms slender. In Indian families too, small talk revolves around if one has gained weight and letting the person know, as if they had no idea themselves. Thank you for the enlightenment! I remember being super conscious but now when I look at my old pictures, I think I looked great! Other women’s bodies are not your battleground, Rupi Kaur wrote and I felt that deeply during those years.
All bodies are different, a piece of bread is metabolized at varied rates by two people. I know friends who have been genetically gifted with the height of an Olympian and metabolism of a lean mean machine. I look at them and wonder almost enviously if I can exchange my body with them, they could do their magic on it and hand it back to me? Mirror would be a friend, the only muffin top I’d see on a regular basis would that be behind a glass counter in the cafeteria. It’d be so cool to not want to hide parts of one-self, pose only a certain way for pictures, worry about weight gain over a festival, pick clothing without overthinking if your thighs would look unsightly or the appearance of the dreaded rolls whilst sitting. It is not like I am inactive, in fact I workout more than an average person, it is just that my body expresses change like the slowly cooked stew.
It is true that genetics has a role to play in body composition, yet we still hold the same one ideal female body type. This is changing a little with clothing companies, entertainment industry, pop culture, and written narratives stepping inside the plain of body positivity. Wasn’t it refreshing to see Joan Harris portrayed by Christina Hendricks confidently sashay in the often testosterone charged 1960s period drama Mad Men? Or the fact that international brands like H&M or homegrown brands like Madish are now beginning to cater to petite women with heavier hips and smaller waists. I feel like I have detested buying jeans all my life and at times it can be a blow to your self-confidence because if it fits on the hips, it makes a V-shaped portal on your lower back via which the world can peek into your underthings, the length is of course for a tall drink of water, and you will have to forever fold the hem or get it cut. Sigh.
I am in no way a proponent of idleness and inaction, but surely a strong supporter of the notion that health and fitness mean more than an ‘ideal’ body and results look different for different people. So to all the women, and men out there, if you feel like you’ve slipped off-course and want to gain more power over your body — workout, eat healthy, eliminate the processed foods, keep a track of your deficit, drink 8 glasses of water but know that your progress can look different! Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I know I am stronger and flexible, I can do a Chaturanga now that I could not have dreamed of two years back, I may still not look ‘fit’ and someone with a less active lifestyle may look closer to ideal but then this journey is not about that. Appearance is shallow and short-lived, health is long-term. I put my blinders on and put my work in.
This body has carried me physically and emotionally, across seasons, continents and periods of grief. I am grateful for it and I will honor it by feeding it nutritious food, moving it (imagine it like a puppy that feels ecstatic for a walk), slathering on lotion during the winters and hugging my loved ones. When you love someone you don’t wait for the best version of them, you love them unconditionally — as they grow, stumble, through sickness and health. Now, draw this line of thinking for your body, don’t wait for the ab lines to appear before you can fall in love, love it nevertheless and talk to it kindly, watch it slowly unwrap the years of shame and guilt as it be-friends you.
Together you are ready to take on the world!
